"Kristin, I have Cancer."

About two weeks ago I answered the phone, and my mom asked what I was doing and if Chris was home yet.  At the time I was rocking Evie in her nursery, and Chris was with Adelaide.  She said she was glad I was sitting down, and then so bravely said the words, "Kristin, I have Cancer.  Ovarian Cancer." 

Nothing can really prepare you to hear that your mom has cancer.  

My stomach turned, my throat clenched, and the tears fell.  Then I started to analyze every recent interaction with her.  Was there anything that I could have done differently?  Should I have gone to the doctors appointments she had been having, trying to determine why there was swelling in her legs?  Did she know how much I love and appreciate her?  How thankful I am?   

I knew I couldn't change what had, or had not, been done.  I just needed to be with her.  So I headed for an extended weekend in Hutch with Evie.        

Over the past two weeks I've become a student of Ovarian Cancer.  The girls nap times are spent learning everything I can about this diagnosis in preparation for the many doctors appointments, as well as trying to anticipate her needs from an emotional standpoint.  My entire family lives in a new normal, and it involves a lot of Ovarian Cancer.

(My mom, Adelaide and I with the personalized picture blanket my brothers and I made her for chemotherapy) 

I have known that suffering would come, and that none of us are exempt from walking through the valleys.  As one of my favorite authors, Jen Hatmaker, says in an excellent post titled, Why does God allow pain and suffering?....."If you haven't suffered, just live longer."  Thankfully, even in the darkness, I have seen God show up in numerous ways over the past two weeks, and I can feel that Jesus is near.  Many close friends and family have been so supportive and helpful, and my family is so thankful.  

Today my mom begins chemotherapy treatments at KU Med in Kansas City.  She is truly facing this diagnosis with such courage and grace, often repeating the "Bravely Onward" motto from the Fidelity Bank commercials (for you central Kansas folks).  I know she can beat this awful Cancer, as tough as it will be.  Please pray with my family.  I am praying boldly; asking Jesus for complete healing, pain relief and comfort for my mom, wisdom for the medical team, and that we would continue to feel God's closeness throughout the entire treatment process.     

I stumbled on this song while I was in Hutch, and found it to be so comforting.  I share it here because I use this blog as a family journal of sorts, and I can tell that this is going to be my song for this season.  Remembering that Because of his great love, we are not overcome. 

"We Are Not Overcome"

by Bifrost Arts  

Flesh will fail, bones will break

Thieves will steal, the earth will shake

Night will fall, the light will fade.

The Lord will give and take away 

Put no trust in the earth

In the sod you stand upon

Flowers fade into dust,

The Lord will make a place for us

Because of his great love,

We are not overcome

Because of his great love,

We are not overcome

Have no fear for your life;

Turn your cheek, turn your cheek

Bear the the yolk of love and death;

The Lord will give life and breath

Because of his great love,

We are not overcome

Because of his great love,

We are not overcome

            

   

     

     

The current state of affairs at our place.

In April I pretty much fell off the grid because....

WE FOUND A HOUSE!  

And we moved.  

Plus I'm very pregnant (due date of July 15!) 

And constantly chasing a toddler.    

And working part-time outside the home.  

I'm just now resurfacing to catch my breath....

just in time to get swept under by the tidal wave of a newborn baby.  

I like to use this blog as a sort of journal to remember what each season of life felt like.  

If I had a name for this season, I would call it crazy town.

Below are some of the highlights from our time in crazy town.

1) The Move

I've never been so thankful for Daniel Tiger.  PBS Kids, ALL THE PARENTS salute you.

The closing date for our new home was Thursday April 30th.  Which happened to be THE DAY BEFORE we were scheduled to leave for our first weekend as a couple away from Adelaide on a little baby moon.  So we closed on a Thursday (yay home ownership!), and promptly left at 7 a.m. the next day for a fabulous four day siesta in Florida...

...and then came back to a very harsh reality where we packed like our lives depended on it because  movers were scheduled for that Saturday. 

I was still shoving things in boxes when the movers showed up.

We did make it out.  Only because Chris is amazing and worked his tail off.  He spent several nights at the rental until midnight making sure everything was ready for our move out inspection - cleaning, patching nail holes, etc...while I worked at our new place.  

  

We still have unpacking to do, but we are making as much progress as we can day by day, and all the main things have found their place.

  

Are there pictures on the walls?  Nope. 

Are all the projects done?  Nope.  

Do we still have a long list of furniture we are hoping to purchase at some point?  Yep.  

But these are minor details and they will get done when they get done.

2) The Great Paint Color Debacle of 2015  

So many colors.  So little time. 

Paint colors are hard, man.  

And I apparently really stink at choosing them based on those litttttttttle swatches and hours of research.

As of today, Chris has already painted the nursery TWICE, and he is currently working on a third attempt at getting the nursery painted a gray THAT DOES NOT TURN BLUE.  

This is the nursery.  Definitely looking ready for a baby!     

Earlier this week, a contractor innocently dubbed our nursery "The Blue Room" to help him remember which room was which.  He had no idea this "blue room" was a current thorn in our side, and when we heard his nickname, neither of us could stop laughing about it.  

But really, it is THAT blue, that it could appropriately be dubbed the BLUE room by a complete stranger.  

I had anticipated selecting a gray would be challenging, and I had done a lot of research on the best way to choose a gray.  There are a ton of tips out there, and I used many of the suggestions I found online regarding how to narrow down the color.  Tips such as putting the color on a white poster board and moving it around the room in different light so you can see how it changes, and looking at the color in relation to the other colors on the strip to understand undertone and then also comparing it to the neighboring paint strips.  

Ultimately, what I learned from our very painful first world problem painting dilemma, was that we will never again think we've decided on a color until a sample goes on the wall.   

In the interest of having certain things done prior to baby, and trying to allocate Chris's already limited time on select projects and nursery preparation (ha!), we went ahead and hired professionals for some of the more challenging rooms in the house, (like the living room which had textured paint that was painted OVER wallpaper), and Chris "the paint man" Schroeder has signed on to doing the secondary bedrooms, bathrooms, and laundry room.  

And, you know, apparently painting the nursery THREE times.   

Did I mention Chris hates painting? 

I don't mind it, but I'm no help right now since I'm 38 weeks pregnant.    

Maybe I was being super hormonal, but trying to choose a gray for our main living areas  after our complete fail on the nursery color felt impossible.  As evidenced by the NINE samples on the wall in one of our rooms.  

Gray Samples for Days.

The colors would change drastically depending on the light and time of day.  I already tend to suffer from analysis paralysis, and this just added to my paralysis probs.  

We ended up with three different grays on the main floor because certain grays would work in one room, but wouldn't be quite right in another room.  We ultimately found Benjamin Moore Revere Pewter, Benjamin Moore Edgecomb Gray, and Sherwin Williams Anew Gray to be exactly what we were looking for.  PRAISE!     

3.  The Circus of Contractors  

This space looks very toddler friendly, yes?

Lexi took it as her responsibility to let the entire neighborhood hear about our parade of "visitors".  

When we moved into the new house, we had a list of projects we wanted to do to make the home feel like ours prior to the arrival of baby.  At the very top of our list was repainting nearly every room in the house, and getting some minor inspection findings fixed. 

There were a couple weeks in June where we had anywhere between 4-6 different people in/around our home doing plumbing, painting, mudjacking and other random repairs.  It truly felt like a circus for awhile where I didn't know who would be coming and going when, but the dust has finally settled (seriously, there was a thick layer of dust EVERYWHERE) and we are thankful to have all these things taken care of.      

4. Preparing to Welcome the Littlest Schroeder 

Several weeks ago, in the middle of the circus of contractors and the paint color debacle, our doctor had some concern about my measurements related to baby - I was measuring small.  This didn't necessarily surprise me since the most common thing people tell me regarding my pregnancy is that I don't look <insert any number> weeks pregnant.  The doctor questioning my measurements and ordering an extra sonogram (because at 33 weeks I was measuring what the doctor would expect to see at week 29), was definitely concerning.  God is good, and thankfully our prayers were answered by a sonogram in week 35 that confirmed baby Schroeder is healthy (measuring in the 33rd percentile, no less!), fluid levels are good, and baby is head down and riding very low.  We are so grateful that everything looked good at that sonogram.  So, so, grateful.    

We are still waiting to find out whether baby is a he or a she!  I am actually really enjoying hearing all the predictions, and I think it will be so fun to find out the day of the birth.  

If it is a boy I am all ready to deck out a nursery in airplane decor, and if it is a girl the nursery will be sweet and feminine with grays, peaches, and pinks.  Even though we are waiting to find out the gender, I still wanted the nursery to be gender specific, so I have a "design board" (read: Microsoft Word document) ready for each gender.  Last week I was at HomeGoods and I could not help myself when I found a bunch of adorable airplane decor at a good price - I had to get it!  I reasoned that if it's a girl, we will just need to make a bee-line back to get it returned within the 30 day time limit. We are so close and if it does end up being a boy, I will be thankful to have a little head start on some cute decor.     

That's our life in a nutshell lately.  During these final days as a family of three I am trying to balance all the to-do's with spending intentional quality time with Adelaide.  Our house could definitely be cleaner, our walls more decorated, and our dinners more elaborate.  But when I hear  "SLIIIIIIIIDE!" from the backseat, I'm probably pulling over at the nearest park to grant the request.  

Here's to summer!  

     

  

   

  

  

        

  

  

     

  

   

What I did not expect while expecting Number Two.

I've been awful quiet on here the past few months.

Maybe because my body has been pretty exhausted growing a human!

The differences between my first pregnancy and this pregnancy are a plenty.  With Adelaide there were monthly bump pictures, what felt like a bazillion birthing classes, hours spent analyzing the latest baby gear, and tears in the dressing room at Motherhood Maternity.  

With this pregnancy, the above picture is my FIRST bump picture (20 weeks later), ZERO birthing classes taken OR signed up for (add that to the checklist!), NO research on baby gear (yet?!), and I've resorted to online shopping in the evenings after Adelaide has gone to bed because shopping with a toddler stresses me out.

These are the easily identifiable surface things, the things people may notice and think, "Yup, so it goes with number two."  

But what has surprised me most is something that isn't as easy to see.

What has surprised me most is the fear I feel creeping in the second time around. 

I did not expect this.  I knew I would probably have less energy and time devoted to preparation for our second child.  When you're already responsible for a human, you just don't have the capacity to do ALL THE THINGS you do for your first.  I totally expected that.  It made rational, logical sense.

Fear?  

Did not see that coming.

I've done this before, right?  

My fear isn't about whether I'll love our second as much as Adelaide.

My fear isn't about whether Adelaide will be angry at us because we've added another baby and as a result she receives divided attention instead of undivided attention.

My fear isn't about whether our second baby's firsts will be as exciting as Adelaide's firsts.  

Those fears are valid and real for many moms.  And I may experience them when I'm closer to my due date and waddling around while my little tornado does her best to "help" us prepare to welcome #2.  

My fear has been about having a healthy baby that survives pregnancy.  

And then life outside the womb.   

When I became pregnant with Adelaide, I knew a handful of friends and family who had experienced the devastation of miscarriage.  Two years ago, it was beginning to hit closer to home, but I definitely lacked the reverence I feel now for the miracle of life.  I thought babies were cute and birth was amazing, but honestly....it all seemed pretty customary to me.  

Oh how my understanding has changed over the past two years.  

I need more then two hands to count the number of people I know that have experienced a miscarriage.  Some were much farther along then the twelve week mark that all the books warn about.  And then there are the stillbirths, which have also devastated people within close circles.  One dear friend lost her daughter, Addalyn Lane, just hours after birth.  If you have a box of kleenex and want to see how a very real Jesus can heal even the deepest of wounds, her remarkable story can be found here: Sookie Jane.  

My heart aches over the losses these families have experienced.  Seeing so much hurt related to child birthing has brought a heightened level of apprehension with this pregnancy compared to when I was pregnant with Adelaide.

So this time around I know that parenting comes with very real pain.  But I also know in my heart that God is bigger then anything I will ever encounter as a parent.  I know that regardless of whatever fire we have to walk through, God will be with us, and we will not be consumed.  He is enough today, and he will be enough tomorrow, regardless of what the future brings.  And when I really think about it, he blessed me with these babies that aren't really mine anyway - they are his - just on loan to Chris and I to love for as long as he'll let us.  

I'm working through this fear by praying, reading the Bible, and cultivating gratitude for what I've already been given.  In reality, I've won the lottery with the life I have, there's no reason for me to have this fear.  God's always been faithful to me.

"He's Always Been Faithful" by Sara Groves

Great is they faithfulness, Lord, unto me

Morning by morning I wake up to find

The power and comfort of God's hand in mine

Season by season I watch Him, amazed

In awe of the mystery of His perfect ways

All I have need of, His hand will provide

He's always been faithful to me

I can't remember a trial or pain

He did not recycle to bring me gain

I can't remember one single regret

In serving God only, and trusting His hand

All I have need of, His hand will provide

He's always been faithful to me

This is my anthem, this is my song

The theme of the stories I've heard for so long

God has been faithful, He will be again

His loving compassion, it knows no end

All I have need of, His hand will provide

He's always been faithful, He's always been faithful

He's always been faithful to me.