I've been awful quiet on here the past few months.
Maybe because my body has been pretty exhausted growing a human!
The differences between my first pregnancy and this pregnancy are a plenty. With Adelaide there were monthly bump pictures, what felt like a bazillion birthing classes, hours spent analyzing the latest baby gear, and tears in the dressing room at Motherhood Maternity.
With this pregnancy, the above picture is my FIRST bump picture (20 weeks later), ZERO birthing classes taken OR signed up for (add that to the checklist!), NO research on baby gear (yet?!), and I've resorted to online shopping in the evenings after Adelaide has gone to bed because shopping with a toddler stresses me out.
These are the easily identifiable surface things, the things people may notice and think, "Yup, so it goes with number two."
But what has surprised me most is something that isn't as easy to see.
What has surprised me most is the fear I feel creeping in the second time around.
I did not expect this. I knew I would probably have less energy and time devoted to preparation for our second child. When you're already responsible for a human, you just don't have the capacity to do ALL THE THINGS you do for your first. I totally expected that. It made rational, logical sense.
Fear?
Did not see that coming.
I've done this before, right?
My fear isn't about whether I'll love our second as much as Adelaide.
My fear isn't about whether Adelaide will be angry at us because we've added another baby and as a result she receives divided attention instead of undivided attention.
My fear isn't about whether our second baby's firsts will be as exciting as Adelaide's firsts.
Those fears are valid and real for many moms. And I may experience them when I'm closer to my due date and waddling around while my little tornado does her best to "help" us prepare to welcome #2.
My fear has been about having a healthy baby that survives pregnancy.
And then life outside the womb.
When I became pregnant with Adelaide, I knew a handful of friends and family who had experienced the devastation of miscarriage. Two years ago, it was beginning to hit closer to home, but I definitely lacked the reverence I feel now for the miracle of life. I thought babies were cute and birth was amazing, but honestly....it all seemed pretty customary to me.
Oh how my understanding has changed over the past two years.
I need more then two hands to count the number of people I know that have experienced a miscarriage. Some were much farther along then the twelve week mark that all the books warn about. And then there are the stillbirths, which have also devastated people within close circles. One dear friend lost her daughter, Addalyn Lane, just hours after birth. If you have a box of kleenex and want to see how a very real Jesus can heal even the deepest of wounds, her remarkable story can be found here: Sookie Jane.
My heart aches over the losses these families have experienced. Seeing so much hurt related to child birthing has brought a heightened level of apprehension with this pregnancy compared to when I was pregnant with Adelaide.
So this time around I know that parenting comes with very real pain. But I also know in my heart that God is bigger then anything I will ever encounter as a parent. I know that regardless of whatever fire we have to walk through, God will be with us, and we will not be consumed. He is enough today, and he will be enough tomorrow, regardless of what the future brings. And when I really think about it, he blessed me with these babies that aren't really mine anyway - they are his - just on loan to Chris and I to love for as long as he'll let us.
I'm working through this fear by praying, reading the Bible, and cultivating gratitude for what I've already been given. In reality, I've won the lottery with the life I have, there's no reason for me to have this fear. God's always been faithful to me.
"He's Always Been Faithful" by Sara Groves
Great is they faithfulness, Lord, unto me
Morning by morning I wake up to find
The power and comfort of God's hand in mine
Season by season I watch Him, amazed
In awe of the mystery of His perfect ways
All I have need of, His hand will provide
He's always been faithful to me
I can't remember a trial or pain
He did not recycle to bring me gain
I can't remember one single regret
In serving God only, and trusting His hand
All I have need of, His hand will provide
He's always been faithful to me
This is my anthem, this is my song
The theme of the stories I've heard for so long
God has been faithful, He will be again
His loving compassion, it knows no end
All I have need of, His hand will provide
He's always been faithful, He's always been faithful
He's always been faithful to me.
